What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
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