A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
"Five Little Acorns"
Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”
The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.
– Debbie Hill
"The Silliest Teacher in School"
Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.
We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.
The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.
“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”
– Darren Sardelli
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay