A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed
In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn
He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate
In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved
As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided
What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score
Now one hundred and forty-nine years