What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
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