What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
He threw three free throws.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
Every function without you will always be void of love.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
Go to BabaMail
