An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
I hope you prefer men who take grooming seriously.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
We are perfect balance for each other.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Hi, you’re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line. Would you settle for just flowers?
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
Are you a Victoria's Secret model? Because heaven's missing an Angel.
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
You're as hot as a desert summer.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice be love that I'm feeling?
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
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