“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
Hey babe, wanna make a zygote?
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
Hey, can I put you on my emergency contact list?
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
Mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
I lost my future girlfriend's phone number.
I think you might have it.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.
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