England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
Let’s make like a banana and split.
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
You smell... We should go take a shower together.
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What's your number?? Err I mean your name?
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.
I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.
John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.
Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!
This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.
(By Abimbola T. Alabi)
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
We’ve got serious chemistry.
The mothership has returned and I must leave.
I've only got three months to live.
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