“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.