“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
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