“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
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