The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
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