Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
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