Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Go to BabaMail
