“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
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