Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
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