What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.