Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.