What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
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