What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
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