What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
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