What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
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