What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
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