What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
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