What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
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