Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
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