Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
"It's wine o'clock."
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
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