Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
"On cloud wine."
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
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