I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
You don't know jack-o-lantern
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
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