What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
Everybody romaine calm.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
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