Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
Time fries when you’re having fun!
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
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