Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
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