Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
"Here for the right riesling."
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
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