My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
"I need to re-wine my life."
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
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