Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
"You're the wine that I want."
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
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