What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
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