What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
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