What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
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