Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
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