I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
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