How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
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