What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
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