Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
"Read between the wines."
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
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What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
Keep calm and carrot on.
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
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