How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
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