I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
I hope for world peas.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
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