"Here for the right riesling."
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
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