I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
"On cloud wine."
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
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