What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
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