What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
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