How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
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