Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
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