Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
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