My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
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