My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
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