He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
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What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
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