What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
You knead me in your loaf.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
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