What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
"Sip happens."
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
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