My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
Time to celery-brate.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
"Will you accept this rosé?"
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
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