What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
"You had me at merlot."
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
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